When it is a peer, not a boss

Between colleagues there is no formal power to abuse, so bullying works through social power instead: belonging, reputation and access. That makes it quieter, and much harder to describe to someone who was not there.

The most painful part of peer bullying is usually not the bully. It is the six people who watched and carried on typing. That silence is worth understanding, because taking it personally will cost you more than it should.

People stay quiet for three reliable reasons: they are afraid of becoming the next target, they assume somebody more senior must already know, and they genuinely do not know what to say. None of those are about your worth. All of them can be broken by asking one specific person one specific question.

You do not need a speech. Short, specific and calm outperforms clever every time, and it gives the other person nothing to repeat back to others as evidence that you overreacted.

1. A joke at your expense

   Try: “I know that was meant lightly, but I would rather it stopped.”

2. Being talked over

   Try: “I had not finished. I will take two more minutes and then I am done.”

3. Information withheld

   Try: “I did not get that. Can you copy me in from now on so it does not happen again?”

4. Public criticism

   Try: “Happy to go through this, but not here. Shall we take it offline?”

5. A denial of what happened

   Try: “That is not how I remember it. I will put my version in an email so we both have it.”

Whatever you say, write it down afterwards. One email to yourself with the date, what you said and what happened next takes ninety seconds and is worth more later than any amount of remembering.

With a colleague, most employers will expect an informal step first, and it often works. Escalate when the behaviour continues, when it involves more than one person, or when an informal approach would expose you to more of the same.

1. Name it once, directly. One calm, specific sentence about the behaviour and the change you want.
2. Tell your manager in writing. Two or three dated examples, the effect on your work, and a clear request for what you want done.
3. Reference the policy. Quoting your employer's bullying and harassment policy moves the conversation from a personality issue to a duty of care issue.
4. Go formal if it continues. A written grievance, with your record attached, and a colleague or union representative with you at the hearing.

Employers have a duty of care for your health and safety at work, and since October 2024 they also have a proactive legal duty to prevent sexual harassment. Once you have told them in writing, ignoring it becomes their problem as well as yours.

The lasting damage from peer bullying is rarely a single incident. It is the slow certainty that you are the problem, built over months without anyone contradicting it. The fastest way to break that is to talk to people who have been in the same position and came out the other side.

HeartBrain is a community for people being bullied at work: anonymous, free, moderated, and built so that nobody has to be the only person in the room who knows what this feels like. Alongside it sits a resource library and access to vetted employment lawyers, counsellors and coaches for when you need more than conversation.